thinking about life: “To be fully known and fully loved”
As a part of the “human condition,” I believe there is a deep part of us, somewhere deep in our internal and primitive wiring - maybe even soul or spirit, that wants one thing: “to be fully known and fully loved.”
Let's break that phrase down:
“To be fully known and fully loved”
Think about that for a second. Sit with it. What would it feel like? No strings. No conditions. No explanations or exceptions.
Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Unfortunately, I suspect this phrase is foreign to most people. Now before I start digging, I want to be transparent that a good friend and mentor of mine, first introduced this phrase to me in a religious context. However, I find that it is a throughline that still rings true to most of my non-religious friends; and though it may not “properly” be achievable without some sort of higher-being, I think that it is at least something that we should strive for when building a community of our own.
OKAY! So let's break it down.
Here is a rudimentary (yes ANOTHER) 2x2 matrix to visually delineate what I am trying to convey.
What does it mean to be “fully known”?
Well, that means that you are able to be completely vulnerable with someone. No barres, no holds. You are comfortable and it is easy to share both the desirable and undesirable aspects of yourself (or even your ~soul~). It is complete honesty. It is complete authenticity.
What does it mean to be “fully loved”?
Well, that means that no matter what you do OR do not do, you will still be loved. There are no strings attached and no conditions. You are loved for YOU. you are loved for the intrinsic value that you bring to the world by being your unique self. It is unearned. You do not have to do anything to “achieve” it.
Now let's look at the matrix.
The upper left-hand quadrant is our goal. I have been recently thinking of the phrase “asymptotes of life” (more on that in a later post), and I think that this is something that we will most likely NEVER achieve.
No friend, family member, spouse, or loved one will be able to fulfill this.
HOWEVER! I believe that this is OK.
Read that again.
“Achieving.” is NOT the goal. The goal is striving to even get close to this axis of “fully loved and fully known.” It is the journey and striving that matters, and the closer we get to this, the more our hearts will be fulfilled. Examples of this in other cultures/religions can look like a higher being or God’s love, Nirvana, etc.
The upper right quadrant is the square of superficiality. How can you be fully loved and accepted as who you are WHEN the person who is loving you, doesn't really even know who you are! Think about accepting credit for something that you didn’t do. And you KNOW you didn’t do it.
It’s like cheating on a test of “love,” and getting an A. It doesn’t make you feel good and you can’t truly be proud of it. I think of social media and celebrities. Many people love and are maybe obsessed with you, but excluding the seemingly attractive headlines or posts. Who really knows you. What good is receiving an Oscar for a movie that you didn’t actually act in? It has no meaning. It has no worth.
The lower left-hand quadrant is our greatest fear. To be fully known. To be totally vulnerable with someone…and then not being loved. Being rejected.
Think about applying for your dream job…but they knew all of the great and not-so-great parts of you…they weighed you on their scale and you received the “thank you for your application but…” email a day later. Or being in an intimate and long-term relationship with someone you love. You share years of your life, secrets, pleasures, fears, and deep parts of your soul with that person…then you break up… That is the lower-left quadrant.
It's a door slamming in your face AFTER they see that YOU are the person behind it. The world flips upside down, starts spinning on a horizontal axis, and the sun takes a leave of absence…you get my point. Anyway, I am confident in saying that this is a feeling that most humans do not like to experience and try desperately to avoid. Rejection is a big word, and for me at least, it is a stem for a large part of my “fear of failure” complex and “people-pleasing” tendencies. Sometimes I am afraid to try, to put my whole self out there because that would mean I am putting myself on a trial where there is a possible outcome to be guilty and deemed not worthy of love. (Many-a-times I find myself selecting and only exposing certain parts of me to certain types of people…this is a defensive behavior I have developed so that if, and when, I am rejected…it will hopefully hurt less).
(QOTD: is selective vulnerability, true vulnerability? Asking for a friend…)
The final box- I don't think is that important. If you are not known, and not loved…that is just like any stranger or NPC. They do not know you or care about you. Low stakes. Who cares.
Okay!
So we talked about all of this at a pretty high level. Now how does this help you in building your own community?
First, I think it is important to understand that you must BUILD community and that it will not happen overnight. Second, I am coming from the viewpoint of having gone to college and doing this for myself, as well as just moved to a new city and am starting to do this again
Here are some actionable steps to lay some groundwork.
Step 1: Find things you like to do. Do those things consistently.
It could be going to the gym, a coffee shop, music venues, whatever. Show up and be consistent. Your goal is to be a “regular” and to keep your eye out for other Regular’s.
Step 2: Take a deep breath, sack up, and introduce yourself.
Yes, it's going to be awkward. Accept it as a fact and move on. The more you do this, the more you will build that muscle of talking to strangers, and the easier it will be. Once you have established common interests and you’ve gotten a vibe through conversation(s), there will come a time to decide whether or not to do the hard part: be vulnerable.
Step 3: Be vulnerable.
Like I said before, people don’t want to be vulnerable, or step into that “fully known” category due to that deep-seated fear of rejection. If you want to develop meaningful relationships, you will probably have to be the one to initiate being vulnerable and run the risk of rejection yourself.
It’s not easy, but for either outcome, it will be worth it.
Think about it. You share yourself, they receive you, share themselves, and then you have a much deeper/real connection. Yay! +1 Community Brick laid!
OR, you share yourself, and they reject you…would you even want to be hanging out or spending time with that person anyway? Yay! You avoided laying a Community Brick that was unworthy of your time! Net 0 loss!
Step 4: If you still don't have quality friends. Repeat steps 1-3.
Again, you want to lay a strong foundation, and that will take hard work. It will be emotionally exhausting at first, but it will be worth it in the end. You are building a system of support and love that will contribute to a majority of your character and happiness, after all. So it is worth the time and effort.
Just remember, the first 5, 10, or 50 people may not turn out to be good Bricks for your Community…at some point in your life you may also have to replace certain Bricks that no longer serve your wants and needs. Keep striving, be resilient.
Now, this is all pretty rudimentary info on friend-making. My sister recommended that I make a “how to make friends after college” book/blog series and if there is enough internal drive or external interest, I may.
I guess the point of this post is to remind people/myself that relationships are important. As my friend, Alex, says, “relationships are the economy of life.” (Fun fact: they are also the #1 predictor/factor of long-term happiness)!!!
And since they carry that much weight, I think it is important for people to be intentional with who they surround themselves with, the quality of the relationships they are building, and the Community Bricks they are laying.
If this helped, didn’t help, or doesn’t make sense, send me an email:)
Much Love,
Anthony