“Don’t Forget to Remember”
“Hey, Anthony, what feeling do you miss?”
Rephrased; since the pandemic, what is one feeling that you have missed or yearned to feel again?
11:23 p.m.
I was asked this by a colleague of mine this past weekend.
In the middle of typing out an essay that was due at 11:59 p.m., I stopped and tried to think quickly. I was stumped. I guess I hadn’t really thought about this question, at least not in-depth, and it was not in my brain’s RAM.
The first gut/meme reaction answer was “lolz, I just want to feel happiness again..:’D” but that’s a rookie and low-hanging fruit answer…that I quickly grabbed and then proceeded.
My next reaction/thought was that I wanted to feel “true inner peace”.
Sounds pretty good, right? I mean, yes, I have had moments where I was very calm and felt pretty dang relaxed. (Aka weekends in July, mid-pandemic, where I would binge seasons of Chuck….SEASONS) (Where my only worry was if Chuck was going to be able to flash using the intersect against Shaw in Season 3 to save his kidnapped love (and probably my second television crush behind Katara), Sarah Walker)…
Anyway!
Then I was asked if I ever have really felt “true inner peace”…. shid. A philosophically and logically sound argument. You can’t miss a feeling you’ve never felt, right?
11:35 p.m.
Time to dig deeper.
I asked my friend to share her response to the question (of course buying time and inspiration for myself) (I also was just curious, I’m not a completely self-absorbed dingleberry).
(…ok fine, I’ll cut it out with the inner dialogue) Anyway!
Salsa dancing. High tempo music. Blaring. Sound waves and raw energy reverberating off of the walls, through the concrete floors. It flows into feet, guiding the rhythm to a beat your body succumbs to. The sexual tension exudes life and sweat from the ebb and flow of the romantic, intimate dance. You soak up the scene. You drop deadlines, worries, thoughts, and instinct takes over.
An atmosphere that was once created weekly. And is now a desperate dream every time you put your headphones in and your body Pavlonianly moves to the beat of the Latin music. A mere scratch at the “for now,” unitchable energy.
This was yearning.
Mesmerized by her delineation, I longed to feel a memory I never had.
11:42 p.m.
Then it hit me.
Joy.
Flow. Natural and effortless action without thought.
Euphoric atmosphere. Created by great relationships, focused energy, and complete attention.
100% presence. Your head is where your feet are. Existing fully in each of one of Moment’s frames.
This can come from a myriad of places. For me, this was from playing shows with my band, “Did I Hear Dare?”
The moment nervous energy dissolves under the stage lights.
The moment I don’t think about playing the wrong chords or singing the wrong lyrics.
The moment technical skills and ability are an afterthought, working invisibly, behind the scenes.
The moment two separate entities, band and crowd, form one, symbiotic relationship.
The moment fueled through energy reflection until the music stops and the lights turn off.
The moment that transcends time. Totaling 45 minutes, but only lasting 5. Voracious anticipation briefly satiated.
This is the feeling I miss. The feeling I almost “forgot to remember.”
(TLDR: Although I am an advocate for being in the present as much as possible (because constantly comparing yourself to the past and always preparing for the future can be unproductive and can arouse unwanted/negative feelings), I do think reflecting on events in your life can yield positive outcomes and emotions that can generate fruitful change. For example, if I wasn’t asked the question of “What feeling I missed” and didn’t intentionally dig deep and think, I wouldn’t have conjured up those memories and feelings that brought me joy back then, wouldn’t have experienced the residual joy of that reflection, and I also wouldn’t have created this!)
Overall? Big wins. Fruitful change. 10/10 Would recommend.
(It also gave me a boost to bust out the rest of my essay and turn it in at 11:55 pm:)
So…What feeling do you miss?